I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I am one with the molecules
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
