I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I smell like Dick and happiness
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
