I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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