I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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