i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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