I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
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