Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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