Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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