I will die if light touches me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Randomize
