I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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