I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
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he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
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Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.