Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
