i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
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i don't really know how much tequila is too much
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
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I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped