Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
