I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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