just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
