she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
