I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
