I want you more than these girls want KFC
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
