so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
