According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
