she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
