Sober January is a disaster.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
