this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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