I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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