I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
