I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
