I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
