Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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