Can Purell be used as lube?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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