oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
