i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
