Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
