Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
