Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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