so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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