In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
