I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
