you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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