no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
