She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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