So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
