I faked an abortion last night.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Randomize
