I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
