Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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