Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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