why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
