so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I came so hard my ears popped.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
