FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
