You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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