I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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