ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
