after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
