I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
