How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
