sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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