If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
