I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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