I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
