I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
