I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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