Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
