First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
